The unaware parent finds a unique technique to manage his child’s emotional crisis. Most of the time it occurs unconsciously and without a destructive intent behind. However, a consistent tactic of suppressing unwanted emotions in the child is created. It is the same feelings that the parent is trying to avoid within himself. This pattern, of course, causes the rejection of a significant part of the child’s inner world which he then labels as “unworthy” or “inappropriate.”
The same pattern reappears in our adult relationships. We are only adults when it comes to our biological age, but inside we are the same vulnerable kid who didn’t receive recognition for his hurt feelings.
The only way to heal the wound is for the subconscious to intelligently attract partners who will replace the role of the unaware parent and hurt us the same way; when it gets rough, they walk away.
Many people who practice self-awareness use spiritual perspective in times of crisis to avoid these strong emotions because in their unconscious memory no one was there to reflect and sit beside them when they experienced pain.
When they are abandoned or rejected they try to “observe” their feelings or practice this inner dialogue of positive focus that says: “everything is ok,” “forget about him – he is a jerk,” “you deserve better,” Don’t let your ego get a hold of you.”
What happens is that intellectual defense mechanism is trying to protect the person from a breakdown that will result in sinking into despair, again because he believes that he wouldn’t have a capacity to handle it. He is right; nobody has taught him the most critical phase of the emotional process which is being present with whatever comes up and embrace it.
That is called self-love; accepting your vulnerability all the way through before acting on it or trying to solve it. If recognizing how we feel means breaking down, crying, hitting the pillow, so be it. There is an energy that needs to express itself, and it is our job to allow it, it is not a thinking process – when you let the storm in, there is no other option then let it consume you.
It occurs before trying to figure it out; emotions don’t have any logic – when an inner button is pushed we first most feel the pain. Think about the following scenario: a person comes up to you and slaps you hard on the face. Instead of yelling: “Aww! That hurt!” you are going: Mm. “I wonder why did he hit me,” “Do I know him?”, I shouldn’t get upset; he obviously has issues”.
Do you see the severe self-abuse here? That’s the same when it comes to day to day emotional challenges. The spiritual insight does not help in the eye of the storm, that is the time to feel everything through and through. That is, in fact, the best way to overcome a crisis, is to let him flood you entirely, and only then it could pass away.
Spiritual insight belongs in the aftermath when the hurricane has passed. Then we could start the inner investigation: “What did I learn from this experience?”, “Why did I attract this person to my life?”, “How can I grow from it?” and so on.
This way we are essentially re-teaching ourselves how to handle emotions. And it will manifest outwards as well; if we can treat ourselves with respect and compassion, we will attract partners who will treat us the same, and together we can heal the wounds of the past.